1-Sometimes I wish I could’ve loved you at the time. Or that I felt the same way. I’ve put you on stand by while you deserved my love. But he won, like he always did.

And since then you never left, while he always did. You stood there, and I could never give you as much as you do. Last time you were sad, and I just stood there, trying to reach you. You said I was beautiful, that I deserve better, that I deserve to be more than a check point. You didn’t see my tears that night. I told you that I love you, because I do.

I see you torn apart and I can’t do anything about it. Nobody can. You won’t let us. I don’t know if love is enough, but if it was, I would’ve filled your heart with it.

2-I never call you. Never message you. Never even speak to you online. Simply because I don’t want to. Because I chose not to. You never know that, because I would never say it, but I think about you every single day. I can’t breathe when I think one day I won’t have the chance to say what you mean to me. I don’t love you because I have to. I love you because you’re you. And even though she cries, and even though I’m destroyed, and even though everything is screwed up, I love you, we love you.

3-I can’t focus if a day passes and you don’t call me. We barely say anything anyway, you never say that you miss me. But I do, and you do, and that’s enough for me. And in some very strange way, every insult I’ve received from you, every wound just fades away. I tried to hate you but I couldn’t. Your love for me disturbs me, you won’t let me be. And yet I still love you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t see your love.

I’m sorry I couldn’t hate you.

4-I can see you walking by yourself, with them. I know you need me, I know you think about him all the time. And I know he doesn’t see you... I know.
I also know that you went to see that psychiatrist that girl told us about. I know you don’t want me to know, but I do. I know you cried your heart out while talking to her. I know.

I know you couldn’t stand the way he left you, broke your heart in pieces.. and emptied his heart of you.

I know you think you wasted years and tears on this love. I know you think you can’t go on but... you will, I know.

Remember those nights when you used to call me and tell me you miss his warmth? I know... I know... I know...

5- I don’t care if he used to beat you when you were a kid. Or that you were never loved. Or that your mom was always away.
I don’t care if your whole family was fucked up and you never knew how to love, because you were never loved.
I don’t care if you were treated as the ugly duck or the black sheep for no reason at all.

All these excuses you gave don’t matter. They never mattered. Because I was there, right next to you, loving you, hearing you, holding your hand through it all.
I never left your side.

But you did. And you took it all.

And as much as I loved you, I’m sorry, I had to hate you.

6- I listen to the things he says about you. And sometimes I believe him. But you’re too pure to be what he wants me to think you are.

I wish you could never feel this pain, but you are now. And there’s nothing I can say to heal your broken heart. I could hug you, and pretend I like the wacko song you’re listening to. I can even invite you over sushi or get a bicycle and ride around Beirut with you, but I know that in the end of the day, you’d go back to seeking for her scent on your pillow.

But I’d do it anyway, because no, you are not what he said about you.

7-One day you’re here, and the other you aren’t. It’s tiring to chase you around. I stopped being that person a while ago. And I can’t do it anymore. And I can’t wait anymore.  Forgive me, but I’m off the chase for you.

8- I wanna take you to that spot I love. And tell you all the little things you wanted to know. I wanna see your eyes shine, play with your hair, and kiss your tears.
There’s light all around you baby, and a beauty I’ve never seen.

9- I never trusted your love. It was too perfect for me, too pure. I couldn’t understand. It was overwhelming, and it scared me.

I let you down.

I’m sorry.

10 – I’ve seen you give it all away, and I wish I could’ve stopped you. But you were happy and I didn’t want that smile to fade. I prayed that he doesn’t hurt you but he did. They all did. You gave it all sweetheart, and now you have to start again. But I know you can love again, there’s too much strength in your heart to let it all go away. You cry telling me you can’t stand losing him. And I yell telling you that you can’t be a loser, you’re the only winner I know. They can’t see it, they never will, but I do.

11- Every word I write gets back to you. And you can’t see that. It suffocates you. Your life is crowded, with lots of people and faces. I wanna tell you I’m not the girl who stands in line anymore. I wanna tell you I’m too damaged to fight. But I don’t. And even if I lose this battle again, it’s okay.
I’m waiting again in the airport of feelings.  And it’s okay, you’re worth the wait.
Baby, can’t you see? I try to talk about you, but words never seem right. Please tell me that you can read this, please say that you can read through me.
Please, Pick me up from there, and let me fly away with you, to the clouds, to the sun.